News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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