In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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