dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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