Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
