Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
sarcasm needs its own font
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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