Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize