Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
