Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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