A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
