soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
is that a dick in a sweater?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
