So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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