guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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