i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His hands were made for my vagina.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
