ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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