His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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