I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
