omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
