your parents love me but you hate me
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
