My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
