Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize