i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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