Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
