New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
