"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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