i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
