yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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