I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
