My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
