Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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