I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
