Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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