I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
