I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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