Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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