ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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