I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
