I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
