In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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