well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize