I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
