glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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