remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Randomize
