I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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