I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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