after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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