I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
