I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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