Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
