we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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