someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
