Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
