My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
