Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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