people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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