Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
This beer is not sobering me up at all
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
