I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
