So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize