Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize